With so few posts over the last year and a multitude of events, I am considering where to begin my first blog of 2009. 

My heart is telling me to disclose the fact that somewhere along the way I have lost my Passion for a lot of things in my life that were important in my past. For some time now, I have wanted to maintain a sense of anonymity. To hide. It just seems like I have not been able to discuss inspiration considering that I've had none to offer, even for myself. The Year of 2008 was, quite frankly, more difficult than the year that I started this blog as a positive reference point for personal growth and achievement.

Nonetheless, we are required to face our fears and disappointments only to replace them with hope and goals for the future.  I have often heard or said that, "Attitude is Everything" yet I haven't ever experienced a time when my attitude was more filled with disdain, disgust, and even pain. 

It just seems that no effort I put forth was appreciated and rarely fruitful. Creatively speaking, I put everything into my work but the discipline I needed to collect on my efforts did not surface. Introspectively judgemental people who lose their passion cannot overcome the obvious and clear path to success. It just translates into a sense of personal failure which was compounded by the fact that I experienced blindness. Not the darkness that one would expect, but the result of surgery for a retinal detachment in my left eye.

Just when it seemed I was going to surpass expectations, I was miserably overcome by circumstances beyond my control. There was no cause for this ailment but it was paramount that I undergo immediate surgery. They don't tell you that you will not have vision other than the presence of light for at least one month yet supposedly one can drive, etc... The nausea of even being a passenger in a vehicle is more overpowering than the fear of driving.  It will be a few more weeks before I can even fly or take an elevator that makes my ears pop because the bubble of gas they put in my eye supported by a band (which I can always see) is prone to explode and cause permanent blindness.

Truth is, I learned a lot during this time... I had to learn to trust people. Trust them to take me to the grocery store and trust that people would move out of my way (in Matrix fashion : ) when I barrelled down an isle unaware of their presence. I had to sit at home and contemplate failure more than I cared to. Even as I write this, I am wearing an eye patch.

Most importantly, I had to listen to my inner voice and experience the fact that while I could not see, I did not have to be metaphysically blind. This opened the door for me to find myself just a bit even though I would not look in a mirror as I was disfigured. It was then I realized that I am "not so much" and afraid to face the world if I wasn't pretty. I just wanted to disappear until I could see my reflection and see more than the obvious: Which I have learned to do on a small level...Even the healing does not ensure that I won't always have a "droopy eye" as the doctor called it.

My friends, I am certain that we all look at others and make judgements. During this time, half of the people said, "Dear God! What happened!?" Others make comments about allergies and some consider that I had Lasik. When I wore sunglasses (not dark ones but a nice green pair) I was treated as though I did not exist. I guess people thought I was being a fancy jerk. I did not want to show my weakness. One day after being ignored at the pharmacy to fill a prescription, I finally took my glasses off and went from no eye contact to an immediate response and prescription fill. This wasn't the first time I had to let people know that I was disabled (more or less) to get acknowledgement.

The end result is that I just stopped leaving the house even with a friend. I couldn't bear the speculations, questions, and explaining the whole thing. It just gets boring. It just sucks and while we are all curious...please do your best to treat people the same, regardless. Your questions don't help. Be supportive if you know the circumstances and let everyone else in the room know so they can help through their actions and not the endless barrage of questions.. Truth be told, do you really want to learn everything about a detached retina? I will tell you and you will be as bored as me retelling it!

In the end, I had to part ways with my career. All of this was just too overwhelming because I learned that there is more to me than meets the eye (no pun intended).  I still have horrible eyesight but perhaps my Vision has Grown and Inspired Me.

The next post will be full of good news and cheer. I was able to leave my decade in technology to pursue a new career. All will be well.

Comments

[Kytari]

Thank you so much for your comment... Today I feel lucky indeed.

[seagirl]

Hi Kytari,

You are a lucky girl! Unstoppable!

Take good care of yourself,

Tatiana