Be Inspired

Are you holding yourself hostage?

I was having dinner with a friend last night and discussing my recent breakup, the anxiety it has caused and that I haven't been able to live in the moment and find joy everyday. I just haven't been myself.  He made a point that I hope to never forget:

"Matters of the heart are very different than matters of the mind.  You cannot see that you are free and YOU are the only one holding yourself hostage. In real life, if a jail cell was opened for you; you would walk out... Not stand there and decide to punish yourself further."

Only someone that can genuinely relate can convey such a profound message and I am grateful for his candidness. 

“Two prisoners whose cells adjoin communicate with each other by knocking on the wall. The wall is the thing which separates them but is also their means of communication. It is the same with us and God. Every separation is a link.” *Simon Weil

If you think about it, the advice that my friend shared can apply to more than just love and dating but other transitional periods in our lives where we may have a perpensity to be much too hard on ourselves. 

As a result of the challenges I have faced, I have been putting my best effort into acting positive. In all sincerity, I was not liberating myself.  Incarceration, even though I built these walls, is not my natural habitat.  Reading my own blog from earlier years served as a reminder of my bouyancy combined with my depth and sense of humor.

That being said, I have recently relocated from Cell Block KYT to the Sunny Side of the Street. Please note the Forwarding Address: 1111 Hope Avenue in Happy, USA strategically located in the Counties of Success and Accomplishment

Your Friend,

Kytari

Restoration

-What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.

-Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves.

*Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you read my last post, it was about the heartache associated with learning that someone I loved was duplicitious in our relationship.  In the weeks that have passed, I heard a lot of talk from my friends and family that I should experience hurt from the situation for quite some time. 

Can I be honest and just tell you the truth that I simply did not want to dwell on it after the initial shock?  I had to make a choice between being a victim, martyr, or decide to be over it.  I had to face the fact that the only person I would be punishing is myself. Why put more personal energy into a relationship that ended on such bad terms?  Life is far too brief. What would be the point in holding onto the past after being given the knowledge I needed to set myself free from a disasterous situation? 

I had to take control over my thoughts and it isn't as easy as it seems but it can be done. I still have waking moments that force me to reflect on my experiences with this individual. Apparently, there were always red flags but I never recognized one until after the fact. My point is that while I still feel this it is experienced in a more distanced way. I am no longer letting it disrupt my sleeping, eating, or allowing it to infect my mind with worry and regret.

This is how I interpret everything today: While I will never respect his decisions and actions; we were completely incompatable and forged a relationship that would never last. Our Definitions of Love were different enough to make us lose faith in each other a long time ago.  

Compassion

I was listening to "Think" an interview driven radio program hosted by Krys Boyd on NPR this afternoon. There was an interesting discussion on Compassion and Courage inspired by Dallas Morning News columnist, Leslie Garcia, and her yearlong series of essays on balanced living entitled "The 12 Healthy Virtues".  I was moved by the topic of Compassion and wanted to share these quotes with you:

Compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment. --Arthur Jersild

Compassion is not sentiment but is making justice and doing works of mercy. Compassion is not a moral commandment but a flow and overflow of the fullest human and divine energies. --Matthew Fox

Be Compassionate.

In loving memory

This is difficult to write about because I feel the need to share my experience in order to convey how wonderful this person is and how he changed my life.

I met Dr. Marty at the Tower Club and he told me that he was a hypnotherapist. At the time, I suffered from debilitating panic attacks and asked if he could help me. I was on medication but I knew that it was just treating the reaction, not helping me eradicate it from my life.   I went to his office 2 times a week and experienced profound results. I no longer take the prescription and even though I do have anxiety, I am now able to experience it without worry. It is just an uncomfortable feeling and my mind has the ability to deal with it whereas before, my entire being was controlled by the experience and I was paralyzed with an overwhelming sense of fear.

He helped me to understand my life experiences more fully and empowered me to use my own judgment rather than defining myself by the judgments of others. In short, each session was enlightening but it would not have been possible without his genuineness to help..

While you may have your own opinion on hypnotherapy, I am thankful that I pursued this method and most of all, I am extremely thankful that I met Dr. Marty. When I spoke to him about my condition, his face was full of compassion and empathy and I wouldn't be better without his follow up and concern.

Today, I  intended to call him because I had decided after much thought that I also want to train to become a hypnotherapist and  help others in the way that he helped me. I had hoped to pursue this under his direction over the next few years but instead I received a call that he had passed on. I cannot bring myself to use words like dead or death because Dr. Marty  reached a part of my life (subconsciously) in a way that is unlike any other. A hypnotherapists voice is always in your head to an extent which is why it is so important to find a great one. I still want to follow in his footsteps because I have had the greatest teacher and inspiration.

I realize that this may seem odd and that hypnotherapy is not an exact science but I hope to convey that the right person can have a practice that is extremely empowering. Several of my friends noticed the difference  in me and also started seeing Dr. Marty or were planning to. It will take some time before I am ready to be a  practicing hypnotherapist as I would like to get masters/doctoral degrees in psychology and nutrition as well. I believe that nutrition has a direct affect on our mental and emotional state and I want to understand the mind's response to hypnotherapy so I use it wisely. I also want  to be able to recognize mental illness that requires more than I can offer.

A Room with a View

Once one visits the Casa a la Kytari it comes as no surprise that the majority of the pictures I have taken for my on-line Home Sweet Home album are of the beautiful Dallas Skyline and the surrounding park. While I have waited for quite some time to buy my first home, it was for good reason: I am picky..and they were forcing us out of our places at the apartment complex I lived in for 5 years (the longest I have lived in any one place in my entire life) for rennovations. After researching the escalating rent prices with the ever increasing property value for the Uptown area I decided that I needed to make a very important decision. The next step was finding my ideal home that I could have peace with even though the mortgage was bound to be steep. In the end I found an exceptional place for a fair price. A lot of people have questioned my decision to pay for a place that clearly has less square footage than a home I could purchase for less in a more suburban area. The amenities of living in a city condo far outweigh 2 extra bedrooms for me. I have exactly the amount of space I need even with a roommate. When she moves I won't really even know what to do with the 'West Wing' other than put another bed in it for guests or turn it into a media room but this is coming from a person that thought TIVO had something to do with Roman Numerals. Perhaps a library is a better option in my case.

On a final note, I set my alarm clock to the sunrise so I can look up from my sleep to see the pink and gold hues surrounding the skyline as the blue of the night fades into luscious purples. It just doesn't get more inspiring than that.

Over-Achiever

Over-Achiever

Rushing. Pushing. Ladder Climbing,

which gets higher every day,

forcing your dreams away.

Stressed. Don't Relent. Be the Best,

work hard day and night,

the prize is only one deal out of sight.

Elocute. Execute. Parachute,

I need to break the fall,

before I hit the wall.

Breathing. Believing. Engaging,

confidence is my fire,

needed to achieve my desires.

Attitude. Fortitude. Magnitude,

each are attributes I choose,

I become the professional with nothing to loose.

Perceive. Believe. Receive,

nothing is out of my reach,

when I search to be complete.

Adversity. Conformity. Anonymity,

each has its place,

in my standing for this race.

Alone. Controlled. Parolled,

I choose to be free,

to accomplish all that I will be.

Copyright 2006 by Kytari Chapman

Some birthdays are better than others

This birthday was extraordinary! I really love all of my friends and family that made this possible. My cup runneth over. I know I am blessed but I didn't realize the magnitude.

I know I have been posting less and less lately but there are some exciting changes happening in my life that will spark my creative side and add to the Inpsiring message that I wish to convey on my blog.

Self Knowledge and Self Mastery

This is from the Tao:

Intelligent people know others.
Enlightened people know themselves.

You can conquer others with power,
But it takes true strength to conquer yourself.

Ambitious people force their will on others,
But content people are already wealthy.

Prudent people will abide.
People unconquered by the idea of death will live long.
People who live according to their means last long.

It is funny how things transition

I just received a mailed letter from my new roommate who is moving in tomorrow. Princess is far more than a roomy to me but a long-time friend and confidante. I am completely looking forward to our time together.

Her note said this: It is ok if you don't know what you're doing. No one else does either. At least you look better doing it. (I subtracted the personal girly stuff)

It reminds me of what I was told by a Junior High teacher with an extensive military background. She said, "If you don't know it. Fake it". I took it as the first step to anything I would ever accomplish. Only I knew what I was capable of even without the specific knowledge of how to get there.

While that may seem to be a false way to present ourselves to the world, isn't it also fair  to say that if we choose to accomplish great things, sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zones therefore presenting a  "not so official" persona in order to reach the level that we desire?

Essentially, who are we? We are everything and so much more!  Our past is only one part that too many people may spend too much time dealing with to realize the beauty of this particular moment. There also those of us that spend most of our time thinking so many steps ahead in strategy that there is no room for the moment.

What I have found is that I fall into all categories. Another dear friend of mine, shared with me the philosopy that nothing exists outside of this particular moment. How profound is that?  Please Read:

Ponder This:

If you could shed all of your personal past because at this point it is only a vision. A mere recollection of what WAS that cannot necessarily be proved or disproved..

You clearly have no proof of what will occur in the future simply based on your strategy alone especially considering that there could be hundreds or even thousands of factors working against you and even possibly for you in an even more profound direction....

If all you had was reading this blog in this moment, or even the breath that you just inhaled, in your heart, what would make you feel complete? What would you consider this the most valuable use of your essence? And by essence I mean everything within you that supercedes mind, heart, and body. Essence is a part of every facet of your being, and the soul within.

How far away are you from the last statement? Are your faking, in an attempt to find your hoped for reality or are you seeking the essence of your life that will never forsake you or leave you?

Fear is a bad imaginary enemy

Tuesday morning I was driving and I had a bit of a revelation that I wanted to share with my friends as well as put into writing so that I could be mindful of this at a later date. Fear is an imaginary enemy.

I have spent a great deal of my private time in a state of fear which has created an insurmountable anxiety at times. Sometimes, I reach into the root of that fear and determine what is real and what is not but the truth is that in the absence of a life threatening event, fear is not necessarily real. In the case of a life threatening event our instincts for survival take over. Does this in effect mean that all other fears are self-inflicted? They may stem from our desire for egocentric self-preservation or from our need to be accepted by others. We do many things because we are "afraid" of the alternative outcome if we do not act or participate in this world on the level of everyone else. Does this really need to be the case?  I am a strong believer in the power of words as well as how verbal dichotomies continually shape our society.  From a post-modern perspective we can change our mindset about a particular situation simply by changing the vocabulary around it.

For example, I recall in the early 90's following the end of the Cold War that there were media terms floating around like "ethnic-cleansing". Most of us weren't quite certain what that meant initially until it surfaced that it was genocide. The UN also went on Peace Keeping Missions in responses to the global outrage. Soon they became Peace Making Missions which was really armed humanitarianism with warfare. It is not uncommon for our minds to piece together words that sound pleasant and assume that they are indeed acts of goodness while all the time, it is quite the opposite. 

With this in mind, I thought about excluding words from my vocabulary that would exacerbate my anxiety in the hope to change the way I perceive the situations in my life and ultimately react differently. Essentially, empowering myself. I thought about ways in which I can overcome my daily fears that do not help me but rather hinder me in achieving my goals. I isolated one thing that I can do as an experiment. I am choosing to eradicate words like fear, anxiety, doubt, and insecurity from my mind and vocabulary. They can be replaced with "mild concern" or "matters requiring additional thought" but I don't feel that I need to be subjected to this state of mind any more.

If you also find this valuable and choose to adopt a similar practice, please let me know if you are experiencing a sense of liberation. As I continue with this new mindset, I can only imagine that there will be a wonderful transformation that will benefit me as well as others close to me.

As FDR said in his inaugural address, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." His presidency exemplified his courage and inspired a nation to overcome a period  of extreme duress and hardship. We have the potential within us each day to rise with the ideal of fortitude and act in truth and integrity without trepidation.